Do you live your life from a space of survival mode? Do you even need this survival lens? Have you wondered?
Well, this time on The xMonks Drive, we have with us Malti Bhojwani, a coach, an author, and a facilitator to break the surviving lens and help us enter into a joyful life. According to her, we are all born with lenses and we are contained by those lenses through which we see the world. But we should not forget that we are also born with an internal innate desire to learn and evolve.
Table of Contents
The Survival Mode
“Through the advent of evolution, life has always been about survival but we are so blessed now to not have to fight that survival game and actually enjoy our lives and live our purpose.”
Gaurav: From where do you think the survival instinct of individuals comes from?
Malti: Personally, I started to look at life from the perspective of “What if I could be a huge success? What if I could be happy? What if I didn’t have to live paycheck to paycheck, month to month, just enough just in time?” I can’t speak for the world. But in my experience, I try to make sense of the things I’ve learned in my career, as a coach and facilitator. I have tried to make sense of it through my own life. I have lived in the survival consciousness for a long time. So even though I’ve been doing this work for over two decades, I know that there has been a shift that happened more recently, where I stopped living in the survival mindset that I used to.
A lot of people have gotten into the habit of living this life which they have inherited. I think most of us inherited from our ancestors, from our mothers when we were in the womb. We’ve inherited patterns of thought and belief systems. And unfortunately, a lot of us inherited survival consciousness from our ancestors. So it takes mastery or self-awareness to realise that, “I was born with these lenses, and maybe I don’t need them.” So our intention should be to raise awareness and help people to realise that they are already wearing some glasses, and maybe these glasses, these lenses are no longer valid.
Blame, Shame, and Guilt
“There are times when we are going through tough times. And in those difficult times, the easiest way is to either get into blame, shame, or defend ourselves.”
Gaurav: Who would we blame, the people that we are dealing with, the relationships that we are into, or the circumstances that we are a part of? Who would be shamed for the society that I’m a part of? Who would I defend, Myself?
Malti: These are a few things that I’ve talked about a lot extensively in the book. Because blame, shame, guilt, are the worst things we can do to ourselves and to others. It’s also quite automatic because oftentimes most of us are living in survival consciousness, and with survival will always come fear.
What is fear? Fear is a perception. It comes back to the observer. So if some of my basic needs may not be met, I will feel fear. And that’s all fear is. So fear is a perception that my needs might not be met. So even in a relationship, when we feel that our needs are not being met, that this person is not giving me what I deserve, you feel fear and anxiety. You feel upset. You feel threatened. As a result, we lash out, and our behaviours will be either to shame them or blame them. And then the worst, which is guilt. These emotions will bring us down and this will lead to depression and misery. It’s a bottomless pit. If you dig that hole for yourself, it will be challenging to get out.
When I look back, I ended a relationship when I was 26 years old, and I already had a young daughter, and I blamed my ex-partner. And then after blaming him, I blamed myself because of the guilt of putting my daughter through this whole broken marriage. So again, labels, blame, self-inflicted guilt, and it was very challenging. It’s only when I started to wake up and realise that there was nothing to blame the other person about and it was all me that I was ready to let go and forgive myself for that, and also let go of blame and guilt on my ex-husband.
Taking a Stand
“It requires a huge amount of courage to take a stand for someone that you love.”
Gaurav: What does “stand” mean for you? Is distancing yourself from that person and continuing to share your love taking a stand or being with them, helping them walk that path?
Malti: When we stand, we stand with our feet firmly planted on the ground, shoulders square, back, head tall, there’s power. If we stand in stability, there’s power, there’s a message that I am reliable, you can lean on me, I can depend on myself. And I think when you take a stand for something or someone, you kind of have that power and conviction. But to your point, I think sometimes the stand we need to take is for ourselves.
I do not believe that the entire planet was meant to walk parallel with each other. So there may be many souls who will not resonate with my words, or they’re not going to pick up my book, Or they’re not going to listen to this podcast, but that doesn’t mean that others won’t. So we have people who will resonate with us, and we resonate with them. And those are the ones that we can inspire, support, and help to bring awareness to them. But there are some people who are not our chosen souls, and they will find their own saviors or partners, or guides along the way. So if I don’t feel right, it makes me feel sad and it feels like a constant battle, then maybe I’m not ready to take a stand for this person, even though I love them.
Gaurav: There’s another perspective that not all the parts with your soulmates are soulful. It could be painful as well at times. Now the question is, how willing are you to walk that path?
Living with Courage
“Courage is not defined in the absence of fear but it’s knowing that something else is more important than what we fear. So the word courage already presupposes that there is something that we’re afraid of. So courage means choice.”
Gaurav: How can I tap into a space of courage and purpose when I’m living with so much fear, compulsion, and regret?
Malti: Courage is not defined in the absence of fear but it’s knowing that something else is more important than what we fear. So the word courage already presupposes that there is something that we’re afraid of. So courage means choice. And so now you have a choice to do something, despite the fear. You feel fear, you feel discomfort, but you’re still going to do it. But what will give you that courage is to see that there’s something beyond your fear, which is often our purpose.
So it’s either a goal and aspiration, a very strong desire, or is the sense of purpose even if we haven’t articulated what our life purpose is, even if we’re not sure what it is. But if we know that something really makes us feel good, makes us feel joyful and fulfilled, we are following our purpose. When we’re doing things that makes us feel fearful, when we’re doing things that don’t feel right, then we are operating from fear, we’re trying to get away from something which is also a form of motivation.
There’s no difference between joy and purpose. Living a joyful life equals living a purposeful life. I was put on this planet to enjoy this life. I was given five senses so that I can enjoy these senses.
Gaurav: It’s about being watchful of your own self, being a witness to your own self, being aware of what’s happening. And making a choice to live a life, which is joyful, which has purpose.
About the Speaker
Malti Bhojwani is a professional coach, self-awareness author, and facilitator of transformation. She applies her years of experience in the personal development business to a wide range of individuals, corporate teams, and entrepreneurs all over the world as they maneuver change. She has written many books including “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball,” “The Mind Spa – Ignite Your Inner Life Coach,” and “Thankfulness, Appreciation, and Gratitude” have all won international awards.
Malti is a trained and certified professional PCC coach with the ICF (International Coach Federation). She has completed courses in NLP and Ontological Coaching (Newfield), Barrett’s Cultural Transformation Tools, Facilitating Through Values with Corporate Evolutions, Foundations in Neuroscience, and is a graduate of GBA – Gita Bellin & Associates as a lead facilitator of transformation. She is also trained in Yoga and Somatic work, which teaches people how to modify their ideas and emotions by changing how they hold their bodies. Malti is a qualified Dynamic Mind Practice meditation teacher, which has its roots in TM – Transcendental Meditation.
She is an independent leadership and self-awareness author, coach, and facilitator who frequently partners with Aberkyn, which was co-founded by McKinsey & Company in 2012, to deliver programmes to organisations that require mindset and behaviour change – primarily client-facing, having assisted countless organisations globally in their transformative and learning journeys, as well as serving as a faculty member in Firm learning for four years. She runs courses for companies including The Mind Gym and Barrett’s Values Centre, as well as coaching individuals and groups on her own.
