Upholding values with compassion

Gaurav: So my question is, how do you ensure that you live from a space of compassion and forgiveness, and yet don’t compromise on your values, you don’t compromise on your rights? And I’m also thinking how different people would have managed different leaders worldwide, people like Nelson Mandela, people like Mahatma Gandhi, who choose not to compromise on their core values and get to live their life from a space of compassion and forgiveness.

Deepa: So let me tell you, let’s go back a little bit. Right after that incident, you know, a few weeks and a few months passed by. And I literally felt that I wasn’t being valued for what I bring, right. And I wasn’t bringing out my potential. And so I remember, that was just one day, and this is an accumulation of things. And there was one day when I was walking into the office. And I still remember the doors of the office, when I walked in, it just felt like iron doors and pushed through that. And this was a kind of an illusion, I saw and there was this long corridor with rooms on both sides. And I turned and looked into one room, I saw people sitting and I saw people sitting on toilet seats. Now it was my imagination that was perhaps running wild, of course, people are not sitting on toilet seats. But, at that moment, that’s how it was. And so I said, what’s happening, and I turned and I looked at the other room and I said this is what I see. And then I said, This is what people are doing to me here. And I just touched my face, and I was sweating. I immediately ran to the restroom, wash my face. And that’s when the awakening came from that deep hurt and the deep pain of not being valued, not being identified for what I can bring. That’s when the warrior in me was evoked. 

So, you know, in xMonks, you talk about warriors. And you asked the question to me before in our conversation deeper, when did that warrior in you get installed. And there were several moments in life, there was not just one. So every time we are hurt, every time we experience pain, the war we have a choice. And so we have a choice to evoke that warrior within us all. We have a choice to play by the rules and play a cat on the wall and allow the situation and allow the universe to decide for us. And if we do that, then we choose to be in harmony and we choose to play safe, but we choose not to stand up for ourselves.

Gaurav: Yesterday I was discussing how all of us have a very basic need or have a need to be heard or need to be seen and have a sense of belongingness as I’m just listening to you as you mentioned that you did not feel valued. Somehow I could experience that in my body, I experienced the same emotion that I experienced yesterday when we’re discussing not being seen, not being heard. In that moment when you felt that you’re not being valued. What happened? What shifted for you?

Deepa: We play by the rules because we want to belong. Love and belonging are what we search for all the time. When we choose to be different, when we choose to play a different game, we are going to lose people along the way. When you choose to get out of your comfort zone, and protect your Chateau and protect your castle, and protect your potential, and that evolutionary potential that exists within you. That is when you’re going to create a way for yourself. And as you create a new way for yourself, you’re going to lose people along the way. That is for sure. Because you trigger something in them.

How do we define our Tolerance?

Gaurav: I come across so many women and ladies, who are doing extremely well in their corporate career, and yet, they’re not happy on the personal front. They sort of feel that they carry with themselves, despite the fact that they’re living with so much resentment. And yet, they don’t take the first step. So if you were to hold the space for them, and tell them, or give them a piece of advice here, what are the things that they need to look at? What is the measure of tolerance that they should look for? How would you address this?

Deepa: I think everybody’s definition of a tolerance zone is completely different. The level at which I stepped outside my comfort zone is completely different from what is a comfort zone for someone else. Right! What is the difference? And you’ve got to decide there? How? I don’t think you will ever know how much you’re capable of until you’re in it. I had no clue how life would turn out, I had no clue how many risks I would be taking and where that would lead me to. But when you’re in the situation, you’ve got to trust yourself, that you have all the resources within you to actually come up, come up strongly. It’s a fear that holds us back. Why don’t we set boundaries? Do you know why people don’t set boundaries? We all don’t set boundaries. I never used to set boundaries. Let me talk away other people. Let me talk about myself. I never used to set boundaries. Because I was afraid that people will dislike me. I was afraid that the project might stop I was afraid that the relationship might come to an end. And it was my fear. But the minute I went and tested and I saw that, okay, if I do set my boundaries, yes, it makes the other people upset. But in the long run, it brings you back much more respect.

Values: The energetic Drivers

Deepa: So Gaurav what are values? And how do you define values?

Gaurav: I defined values, it’s a shortcut way of defining what is important to us. They are energetic drivers that define my aspiration and my intentions. And yeah, anything it’s it drives anything that I do or anything that I avoid. So, yeah, how do you define values?

Deepa: A value is for me, A key-value, let me give an example. A key value for me is personal fulfillment. And another key value for me is freedom. And freedom is freedom of expression. Freedom is freedom, to make choices, and freedom to be my own boss. This is how I define freedom. So we all have different notions of how we define that word, you might have a different way of defining freedom, we might say that, okay, we have the same value base, which is different. And this is where we need to look at how do we operationalize that value and that behavior, what does that look like, in the way, I show up at work in the way I show up in my relationship, and that’s when you can actually define your boundaries. So, you know, life just gets easier when you do a little bit of that inner work, because you not only bring clarity for yourself, you also bring clarity for everybody else around you.